FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: The world's greatest action movie

[loopychew]

Working title: JACKIE CHAN'S IKEA ADVENTURE
Gist of the movie: Jackie Chan. At IKEA.
Plotline: A corrupt CIA official plans on selling plans for a brand new, supersecret WMD to an Irish mobster. The drop point: An IKEA wastebasket, which Jackie Chan happens to pick up as one of many items on a new-apartment-shopping-spree with his girlfriend.

Insert 80 minutes of furniture-based thrashin' here.

END CREDITS: More inspired by Jackie Chan's American works, in which a good number of outtakes involve flubbed lines, the end credits sequence will consist of five to ten minutes of Jackie Chan attempting to read the names of various IKEA catalog items.

Comments

But where are the SNAKES?

[lirazel.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, but no one will be allowed to make any action/adventure movie without some sort of CG reptile for at least the next year.

(Otherwise, ROFL)

Re: But where are the SNAKES?

[ninjadebugger.livejournal.com]

I have to agree, it would be better with snakes. Maybe a giant CG kung-fu snake or something?

Re: But where are the SNAKES?

[loopychew.livejournal.com]

We've all seen Jackie Chan deal with CGI. It's not his thing. It'd either be live snakes or nothing.

My outline does, however, involve NINJAS! Because ninjas are the first thing one thinks of in a plotline involving CIA officials and Irish mobsters.

Both of whom, I believe, will also happen to know Muay Thai.

Re: But where are the SNAKES?

[maramala.livejournal.com]

Will CGI furniture work?

Re: But where are the SNAKES?

[loopychew.livejournal.com]

*points up* Jackie Chan + CGI = What's the point?

[seigyoku.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I'd pay the real money! I would!

[aquahaute.livejournal.com]

I would definitely rent it.

[jengagne.livejournal.com]

Pure genius!

[tangsm.livejournal.com]

Jen linked me. I'd like to volunteer our local IKEA store for the shooting location. In Minnesota, it's right across the street from the Mall of America, so it could be a bonus to have him fight his way through a series of GAP stores, an aquarium, and have a fight scene on a crappy roller coaster in a kids' amusement park. Not to mention, it's a favorite emergency scenario site for a WMD/bioterrorist attack. Apparently everyone hates the GAP that much. Can't really blame them.

[loopychew.livejournal.com]

Hey, I'm a GAP kid! I find it significantly more down-to-earth than, say, Abercrombie & Fitch. Lots cheaper, too.

Regardless, it's Jackie Chan's IKEA Adventure, not Jackie Chan's Mall of America Adventure. I envision the final scene unfolding at the checkout counter, where Uncle Bill (Bi Su) would hold up both the CIA and the Irish mobster with guns to their backs...only to reveal, after the arrest, that he was holding them up with pricing guns. The laughing reaction to that between Uncle Bill, Jackie Chan, and his girlfriend would be the freeze-frame finale before the end credits.

[tangsm.livejournal.com]

Sorry, no offense. I don't have anything against GAP, it's just that it's the one store with the most various outlets, (baby, kid, girls, guys, possibly some sort of pet GAP in the near future), so it was the most obvious choice for the joke. A&F is just creepy. I avoid bringing it up in conversation. Don't they sell shirts? Why don't any of their models wear them?

And no, they'd rather spend time talking about bad choices in celebrity marriage than any real tragedy. Especially if the person wasn't starring in any Jessica Simpson movies.

[loopychew.livejournal.com]

None taken. :-) Just stating my own preference. Actually, A&F have a bunch of subdivisions, too; they just don't brand it the way GAP does.

Don't they sell shirts? Why don't any of their models wear them?

*snicker*

And no, they'd rather spend time talking about bad choices in celebrity marriage than any real tragedy. Especially if the person wasn't starring in any Jessica Simpson movies.

I did actually hear about Leslie Cheung's suicide from the mainstream press (well, mainstream entertainment press), even though I had originally thought it was some sort of twisted April Fool's joke. Sadly not. Still, that I didn't have to go to an HK movie aficiando website gives me some hope.

[loopychew.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, I just also discovered, heartbreakingly, that Bill Tung died earlier this year. Why don't we ever hear about the important movie star deaths?!

Dammit, I consider him an integral part to any Jackie Chan movie.

[twoflower.livejournal.com]

[demota.livejournal.com]

IKEA food. SOmething must be done with it. Especially frozen slippery meatballs.

[loopychew.livejournal.com]

Oh, definitely. There will be a whole five minutes of cafeteria fighting, including the meatballs, toothpicks, and ketchup dispensers. And serving trays.

[mads.livejournal.com]

Vin Diesel should be the mob boss. And Jackie's girlfriend should be of age, but not look it~

[loopychew.livejournal.com]

Jackie's girlfriend is almost always about 20, and looks it. Given, he's a 40-year-old; isn't that enough?

[maramala.livejournal.com]

Don't forget the video game tie-in.

[loopychew.livejournal.com]

Strangely enough, I can't think of any direct Jackie Chan movie/video game tie-ins. Jackie Chan games, yes, but none based off of his movies.

[lirazel.livejournal.com]

There you have it! Unexploited market niche!

[shachi.livejournal.com]

Don't forget, after finishing off his martial arts epic stuff, Jet Li plans on doing a movie with ol' JC. Of course, since he's not doing martial arts epics anymore, he'll have to have another role. Cab driver? Hapless checkout clerk? Who knows?

[sscougall.livejournal.com]

I'd watch it! I mean, it's fight scenes with furniture. That's almost like Furniture Warriors. They just need a Swede with a Russian surname and a Californian accent that Jackie can straight-man to.

[kublaikhan.livejournal.com]

You'd need lots of ladders in this store. And benches. His ladder-fu and bench fu is where he really shines.