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Mar. 23rd, 2005 04:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
loopychewTitle: The Man with Two Hands
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
loopychew
Fandom: Coupling (UK)
Rating: PG-13 (sexuality)
Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine. I just wish they were. Particularly Sally.
Author's note: This is actually an incomplete draft, involving only the males' plot of the fic--which is originally what I was planning on writing, anyway. You see, this is directly inspired byphoenixchilde's Everyday Superheroes Fanfic Challenge, which involves taking a character from a non-superhero fandom and giving him superhero powers. My twisted mind, of course, asks what Jeff Murdock would do were he given superpowers. And this was the answer.
So, without further ado...
[INT: The lads' pub, up by the bar area, the night before. JEFF is in middle-foreground, sipping away at his brew, when a WOMAN, face back to us, enters foreground.]
WOMAN
Is this seat taken?
[Close-up of JEFF's face, awestricken.]
[CUT TO INT: Pub, present, with the lads sitting at their usual places.]
STEVE
Well?
JEFF
She was incredible! This mass of perfect woman right in front of me, as if my dreams had crawled out of my brain and taken form! Only...you know, without the blood and bits of skull.
STEVE
[Opens mouth, then thinks the better of it.]
[CUT TO INT: Back to the night before. The WOMAN sits herself down, her body obscuring the foreground for a moment as she sits.]
[Close-up on WOMAN: Mid-20s; Stunning, with wild, shoulder-length red hair. We also get a flash of her legs as she sits on the stool and faces JEFF.]
JEFF
He--hello.
WOMAN
I'm Sasha.
JEFF
Jeff. [pause] I'm Jeff.
SASHA
Pleased to meet you. [Smiles]
[Close-up on JEFF: Yet another awestruck expression.]
[CUT TO INT: Wine bar, the ladies mulling over a glass of wine. JANE makes offended motions in telling a story to SALLY and SUSAN.]
JANE
"Pleased to meet you," he said. I could have laughed! I could tell he was imagining me naked, his greasy stare undressing me layer by layer. I felt so indecent! It was almost enough to make me wish I'd worn underwear.
SALLY
So it didn't go well, then?
JANE
[waves hands in air] Absolute disaster! I should have known that it wouldn't end well. In my experience, blind dates hardly ever do.
SUSAN
"In your experience?"
JANE
It wasn't the first blind date I've been on. There've been others; I've not seen one that ended in a good night.
SALLY
Blind dates are an unending form of punishment, inflicted by your mum and her friends, meant to subject you to as much abject humiliation as they could possibly manage. My aunt Mildred used to try and cheer me up by telling me all about how she met her husband on a blind date. Of course, SHE had an underchin the size of a baby aubergine. I didn't feel very reassured.
JANE
[mildly] At least your aunt Mildred has someone to take care of her--
SALLY
--who bears an uncanny resemblance to Quasimodo--
JANE
[mildness forgotten in favour of apprehension] --I don't want to date Quasimodo! What if the ugliness of all these dates is contagious? ...oh, God, I can feel it spreading over me! Every instant, every moment, I become slightly uglier!
SALLY
[also starting to panic] Now that you mention it, I can feel my bottom expanding, little by little.
JANE
And YOUR underchin is growing, too!
SALLY
[gasp] Aubergine?
JANE
[studies the underchin a bit, and proclaims:] Cherry tomato.
SALLY
[panicking more pronouncedly] We're getting older!
JANE
And it's all because of these blind dates!
[SUSAN rolls her eyes, and continues sipping at her wine.]
[CUT TO INT: Back with the lads.]
PATRICK
You two hit it off, then? How did it go?
[CUT TO INT: Night before. SASHA and JEFF have moved to the couch and appear to be enjoying their conversation.]
SASHA
[begins snuggling up to JEFF] Listen, I was wondering if perhaps you'd be interested in coming back to my place...?
JEFF
Why? [suspiciously] You're not missing a cleaner and in need of another one, are you?
SASHA
[puzzled] No, why do you ask?
JEFF
Th-the last time a woman asked me back to her place, she made me scrub her floor. With a crusted sponge.
SASHA
[smiles] No, nothing like that. I'm just looking for someone to...[runs hands up JEFF's chest] experiment with, tonight.
JEFF
[deer-in-headlights look, then smiles and nods head] Excellent!
SASHA
[laughs] You're exactly what I've been looking for.
JEFF
You crawled out of my brain!
[Pause.]
[CUT TO INT: Present.]
JEFF
And I was thinking to myself, 'she's asking me to her place! I'm going to a beautiful woman's house, with her permission! This is absolutely brilliant!'
PATRICK
So sex was on, eh? [Smiles] Excellent. What's she like?
JEFF
[Smile fades] Well, you know, the usual...
[CUT TO INT: SASHA's place, which appears to be some sort of laboratory. She is sporting, on top of her current ensemble, a pair of square-rim glasses and a lab coat. JEFF is in foreground, naked, bound to a table with iron cuffs.]
SASHA
[taking out clipboard] Perfect! Now don't move, I just need to get some of these devices
warmed up.
[Dramatic close-up on JEFF, as we start hearing the clanking, whirring, and electrical whining of many large devices, which are most likely being trained on JEFF at the moment.]
JEFF
Ah... ah... AAAAAAAAH!
[CUT TO INT: The pub again, present.]
JEFF
I don't remember what happened after that. When I woke up she was gone and left money for a taxi on the stand.
STEVE
You mean to tell us that every time you go to a woman's house, she attacks you with large electrical devices?
JEFF
Not all the time, Steve. Just...usually. [scoffs] Women.
[CUT TO INT: Ladies.]
JANE
MEN! This endless parade of grease and filth and ICK! I should really just swear off them.
[Beat.]
Have either of you ever had a go at women?
SUSAN
[slightly aback] I've got Steve! I'm not the one who's dissatisfied with the entire male population at the moment.
JANE
Even better! Steve'll love it!
SUSAN
I've had enough of Steve's obsession with lesbians as is! I don't want to INDULGE him.
JANE
Well, a remark or two suggesting it always kept him eating out of MY hand.
SUSAN
Suggestive remarks? I don't need to draw his attention through cheap manipulation the way you do!
JANE
"Cheap manipulation!" You think my bisexuality is cheap manipulation? How could you?
SUSAN
How come, in all the time I've known you, I've never seen you dating a woman?
JANE
Well, it's frustrating searching one out, I'll tell you! It's not as if I could walk into a room and announce that I'm looking for a woman to share intimate relations with! The manager at Zara had me expelled!
[CUT TO SALLY and SUSAN's reactions, then back to JANE:]
No, she wasn't very happy with me at all.
[CUT TO INT: Laddies!]
JEFF
There's something else, though.
STEVE
Something else, beyond the fact that you were molested with large machines of a non-sexual nature?
JEFF
I don't know, some of them were actually pretty kinky.
STEVE
[horrified] Jeff!
JEFF
Anyway, like I said, there's something else. I discovered something earlier today, and I think it may have had to do with last night's experimentation.
STEVE
How do you mean?
JEFF
Well...
[Pan and zoom on PATRICK and his end of the table. His pint trembles a bit before jumping onto his lap and spilling all over him. STEVE jumps, startled.]
[Pause.]
PATRICK
Blimey. I knew Guinness was strong, but I had no idea! [runs off to toilet]
[Pause.]
JEFF
I guess I don't quite have it down yet.
STEVE
[incredulously] You mean to tell me you can move things with your mind?
JEFF
Yeah! It's like a having a pair of...phantom hands. You know, that you can turn on and off. Like a torch.
STEVE
A torch?
JEFF
Well, it's not like I press a button or anything, but...
STEVE
Telekinesis! Unbelievable. And to think, you were scary enough as a mortal!
************************************
LADIES' PLOTLINE HERE: Sally discusses why she could never be a lesbian, which is a punchline that was already used in an episode so sue me.
************************************
[CUT TO INT: Lads. PATRICK has returned from the bathroom, with some damp spots he's working on with toilet roll.]
JEFF
You know what the best part is about this whole moving-stuff-with-my-mind thing? ... Instant cleavage on any woman I fancy! My phantom hands just squeeze their breasts together and--
STEVE
That's quite enough, Jeff--
JEFF
--and it's brilliant, because normally women get cross and slap me!
STEVE
[stares, then turns to PATRICK] How're you doing, Patrick?
PATRICK
[focused on the damp areas of his trousers] Well, it's not an entirely unfamiliar sensation, so I'm all right. [to JEFF] So you can move things with your mind, then? Must be interesting.
JEFF
My mother always told me how she'd wanted a pair of extra hands, that two weren't enough to raise a family. She said it was hard enough carrying me to bed with just the two.
STEVE
When you were a baby?
JEFF
[confused] No.
************************************
LADIES' PLOTLINE HERE: At some point, Jane snogs Sally full on the mouth in desperation, to which Sally exclaims something along the lines of, "I can't! Your bottom's too firm!"
************************************
[CUT TO INT: Lads.]
JEFF
And the other great thing, the other great thing about phantom hands? [pause, then grin] They can hold my porn in front of me, while my REAL hands...
STEVE
[obscuring Jeff's words] Right, there's another three weeks of therapy to expunge those images from my mind...
JEFF
...or the other way around!
STEVE
...five weeks.
PATRICK
That's it? *scoffs mildly* You can't think of any more uses for your phantom hands? I bet I could think of LOTS more.
JEFF
Oh?
PATRICK
Well, sure! There must be PLENTY of other ways to use phantom hands! Like...
[pause]
...okay, I've absolutely no clue.
STEVE
[Stares at the other two] Has it ever occurred to either of you that perhaps these powers could be used to help others?
JEFF
[and PATRICK glance at each other, then back at STEVE] No--
PATRICK
--Why?
STEVE
[Opens mouth, then thinks the better of it.]
SUSAN
[enters the bar and sits next to STEVE, giving him a quick peck on the cheek]
Sorry I'm late. What's going on?
STEVE
The answer to that question is far too horrible to comprehend. And you?
SUSAN
Oh, Jane's gone mad and on the pull.
STEVE
And that's different...how?
SUSAN
Well, she--
[suddenly lets out a startled yelp, then slaps STEVE with her right hand as she wraps her left arm around her breasts protectively]
STEVE
[rubs his left cheek gingerly, then slowly turns to JEFF] Jeff, I hope you don't mind it terribly if I asked you to keep your phantom hands off my girlfriend's breasts!
[Cut to EXT: A house, just outside the doorstep. A single light illuminates the figures of two women, one of which is taking out a pair of keys. The other one hesitates a little.]
WOMAN
Are you all right?
JANE
I'm a bit...hesitant. I've just recently broken up with my ex-boyfriend. Five years and faithful, so it's been quite some time.
WOMAN
[hugs JANE by her waist as she unlocks and opens the door] I think I understand. If it makes you feel any better...
[Turns apartment lights on, revealing she is:]
SASHA
...I've never experimented with women before.
Author:
loopychewFandom: Coupling (UK)
Rating: PG-13 (sexuality)
Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine. I just wish they were. Particularly Sally.
Author's note: This is actually an incomplete draft, involving only the males' plot of the fic--which is originally what I was planning on writing, anyway. You see, this is directly inspired by
phoenixchilde's Everyday Superheroes Fanfic Challenge, which involves taking a character from a non-superhero fandom and giving him superhero powers. My twisted mind, of course, asks what Jeff Murdock would do were he given superpowers. And this was the answer.So, without further ado...
[INT: The lads' pub, up by the bar area, the night before. JEFF is in middle-foreground, sipping away at his brew, when a WOMAN, face back to us, enters foreground.]
WOMAN
Is this seat taken?
[Close-up of JEFF's face, awestricken.]
[CUT TO INT: Pub, present, with the lads sitting at their usual places.]
STEVE
Well?
JEFF
She was incredible! This mass of perfect woman right in front of me, as if my dreams had crawled out of my brain and taken form! Only...you know, without the blood and bits of skull.
STEVE
[Opens mouth, then thinks the better of it.]
[CUT TO INT: Back to the night before. The WOMAN sits herself down, her body obscuring the foreground for a moment as she sits.]
[Close-up on WOMAN: Mid-20s; Stunning, with wild, shoulder-length red hair. We also get a flash of her legs as she sits on the stool and faces JEFF.]
JEFF
He--hello.
WOMAN
I'm Sasha.
JEFF
Jeff. [pause] I'm Jeff.
SASHA
Pleased to meet you. [Smiles]
[Close-up on JEFF: Yet another awestruck expression.]
[CUT TO INT: Wine bar, the ladies mulling over a glass of wine. JANE makes offended motions in telling a story to SALLY and SUSAN.]
JANE
"Pleased to meet you," he said. I could have laughed! I could tell he was imagining me naked, his greasy stare undressing me layer by layer. I felt so indecent! It was almost enough to make me wish I'd worn underwear.
SALLY
So it didn't go well, then?
JANE
[waves hands in air] Absolute disaster! I should have known that it wouldn't end well. In my experience, blind dates hardly ever do.
SUSAN
"In your experience?"
JANE
It wasn't the first blind date I've been on. There've been others; I've not seen one that ended in a good night.
SALLY
Blind dates are an unending form of punishment, inflicted by your mum and her friends, meant to subject you to as much abject humiliation as they could possibly manage. My aunt Mildred used to try and cheer me up by telling me all about how she met her husband on a blind date. Of course, SHE had an underchin the size of a baby aubergine. I didn't feel very reassured.
JANE
[mildly] At least your aunt Mildred has someone to take care of her--
SALLY
--who bears an uncanny resemblance to Quasimodo--
JANE
[mildness forgotten in favour of apprehension] --I don't want to date Quasimodo! What if the ugliness of all these dates is contagious? ...oh, God, I can feel it spreading over me! Every instant, every moment, I become slightly uglier!
SALLY
[also starting to panic] Now that you mention it, I can feel my bottom expanding, little by little.
JANE
And YOUR underchin is growing, too!
SALLY
[gasp] Aubergine?
JANE
[studies the underchin a bit, and proclaims:] Cherry tomato.
SALLY
[panicking more pronouncedly] We're getting older!
JANE
And it's all because of these blind dates!
[SUSAN rolls her eyes, and continues sipping at her wine.]
[CUT TO INT: Back with the lads.]
PATRICK
You two hit it off, then? How did it go?
[CUT TO INT: Night before. SASHA and JEFF have moved to the couch and appear to be enjoying their conversation.]
SASHA
[begins snuggling up to JEFF] Listen, I was wondering if perhaps you'd be interested in coming back to my place...?
JEFF
Why? [suspiciously] You're not missing a cleaner and in need of another one, are you?
SASHA
[puzzled] No, why do you ask?
JEFF
Th-the last time a woman asked me back to her place, she made me scrub her floor. With a crusted sponge.
SASHA
[smiles] No, nothing like that. I'm just looking for someone to...[runs hands up JEFF's chest] experiment with, tonight.
JEFF
[deer-in-headlights look, then smiles and nods head] Excellent!
SASHA
[laughs] You're exactly what I've been looking for.
JEFF
You crawled out of my brain!
[Pause.]
[CUT TO INT: Present.]
JEFF
And I was thinking to myself, 'she's asking me to her place! I'm going to a beautiful woman's house, with her permission! This is absolutely brilliant!'
PATRICK
So sex was on, eh? [Smiles] Excellent. What's she like?
JEFF
[Smile fades] Well, you know, the usual...
[CUT TO INT: SASHA's place, which appears to be some sort of laboratory. She is sporting, on top of her current ensemble, a pair of square-rim glasses and a lab coat. JEFF is in foreground, naked, bound to a table with iron cuffs.]
SASHA
[taking out clipboard] Perfect! Now don't move, I just need to get some of these devices
warmed up.
[Dramatic close-up on JEFF, as we start hearing the clanking, whirring, and electrical whining of many large devices, which are most likely being trained on JEFF at the moment.]
JEFF
Ah... ah... AAAAAAAAH!
[CUT TO INT: The pub again, present.]
JEFF
I don't remember what happened after that. When I woke up she was gone and left money for a taxi on the stand.
STEVE
You mean to tell us that every time you go to a woman's house, she attacks you with large electrical devices?
JEFF
Not all the time, Steve. Just...usually. [scoffs] Women.
[CUT TO INT: Ladies.]
JANE
MEN! This endless parade of grease and filth and ICK! I should really just swear off them.
[Beat.]
Have either of you ever had a go at women?
SUSAN
[slightly aback] I've got Steve! I'm not the one who's dissatisfied with the entire male population at the moment.
JANE
Even better! Steve'll love it!
SUSAN
I've had enough of Steve's obsession with lesbians as is! I don't want to INDULGE him.
JANE
Well, a remark or two suggesting it always kept him eating out of MY hand.
SUSAN
Suggestive remarks? I don't need to draw his attention through cheap manipulation the way you do!
JANE
"Cheap manipulation!" You think my bisexuality is cheap manipulation? How could you?
SUSAN
How come, in all the time I've known you, I've never seen you dating a woman?
JANE
Well, it's frustrating searching one out, I'll tell you! It's not as if I could walk into a room and announce that I'm looking for a woman to share intimate relations with! The manager at Zara had me expelled!
[CUT TO SALLY and SUSAN's reactions, then back to JANE:]
No, she wasn't very happy with me at all.
[CUT TO INT: Laddies!]
JEFF
There's something else, though.
STEVE
Something else, beyond the fact that you were molested with large machines of a non-sexual nature?
JEFF
I don't know, some of them were actually pretty kinky.
STEVE
[horrified] Jeff!
JEFF
Anyway, like I said, there's something else. I discovered something earlier today, and I think it may have had to do with last night's experimentation.
STEVE
How do you mean?
JEFF
Well...
[Pan and zoom on PATRICK and his end of the table. His pint trembles a bit before jumping onto his lap and spilling all over him. STEVE jumps, startled.]
[Pause.]
PATRICK
Blimey. I knew Guinness was strong, but I had no idea! [runs off to toilet]
[Pause.]
JEFF
I guess I don't quite have it down yet.
STEVE
[incredulously] You mean to tell me you can move things with your mind?
JEFF
Yeah! It's like a having a pair of...phantom hands. You know, that you can turn on and off. Like a torch.
STEVE
A torch?
JEFF
Well, it's not like I press a button or anything, but...
STEVE
Telekinesis! Unbelievable. And to think, you were scary enough as a mortal!
************************************
LADIES' PLOTLINE HERE: Sally discusses why she could never be a lesbian, which is a punchline that was already used in an episode so sue me.
************************************
[CUT TO INT: Lads. PATRICK has returned from the bathroom, with some damp spots he's working on with toilet roll.]
JEFF
You know what the best part is about this whole moving-stuff-with-my-mind thing? ... Instant cleavage on any woman I fancy! My phantom hands just squeeze their breasts together and--
STEVE
That's quite enough, Jeff--
JEFF
--and it's brilliant, because normally women get cross and slap me!
STEVE
[stares, then turns to PATRICK] How're you doing, Patrick?
PATRICK
[focused on the damp areas of his trousers] Well, it's not an entirely unfamiliar sensation, so I'm all right. [to JEFF] So you can move things with your mind, then? Must be interesting.
JEFF
My mother always told me how she'd wanted a pair of extra hands, that two weren't enough to raise a family. She said it was hard enough carrying me to bed with just the two.
STEVE
When you were a baby?
JEFF
[confused] No.
************************************
LADIES' PLOTLINE HERE: At some point, Jane snogs Sally full on the mouth in desperation, to which Sally exclaims something along the lines of, "I can't! Your bottom's too firm!"
************************************
[CUT TO INT: Lads.]
JEFF
And the other great thing, the other great thing about phantom hands? [pause, then grin] They can hold my porn in front of me, while my REAL hands...
STEVE
[obscuring Jeff's words] Right, there's another three weeks of therapy to expunge those images from my mind...
JEFF
...or the other way around!
STEVE
...five weeks.
PATRICK
That's it? *scoffs mildly* You can't think of any more uses for your phantom hands? I bet I could think of LOTS more.
JEFF
Oh?
PATRICK
Well, sure! There must be PLENTY of other ways to use phantom hands! Like...
[pause]
...okay, I've absolutely no clue.
STEVE
[Stares at the other two] Has it ever occurred to either of you that perhaps these powers could be used to help others?
JEFF
[and PATRICK glance at each other, then back at STEVE] No--
PATRICK
--Why?
STEVE
[Opens mouth, then thinks the better of it.]
SUSAN
[enters the bar and sits next to STEVE, giving him a quick peck on the cheek]
Sorry I'm late. What's going on?
STEVE
The answer to that question is far too horrible to comprehend. And you?
SUSAN
Oh, Jane's gone mad and on the pull.
STEVE
And that's different...how?
SUSAN
Well, she--
[suddenly lets out a startled yelp, then slaps STEVE with her right hand as she wraps her left arm around her breasts protectively]
STEVE
[rubs his left cheek gingerly, then slowly turns to JEFF] Jeff, I hope you don't mind it terribly if I asked you to keep your phantom hands off my girlfriend's breasts!
[Cut to EXT: A house, just outside the doorstep. A single light illuminates the figures of two women, one of which is taking out a pair of keys. The other one hesitates a little.]
WOMAN
Are you all right?
JANE
I'm a bit...hesitant. I've just recently broken up with my ex-boyfriend. Five years and faithful, so it's been quite some time.
WOMAN
[hugs JANE by her waist as she unlocks and opens the door] I think I understand. If it makes you feel any better...
[Turns apartment lights on, revealing she is:]
SASHA
...I've never experimented with women before.
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no subject
Date: 2005-03-22 10:57 pm (UTC)