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[personal profile] loopychew
It must've been Sunday that I was on the bus back to the train station, because I was going home to pick up for the imminent arrival of a friend from Summit (aka Preppyville). For about three stops, I found myself sitting across from an elderly gentleman, Caucasian by the looks of it, dressed in an Buddhist monk's garb. When he noted I spoke English, he asked me, in a thickly American accent -- "Ni jiang zhongwen ma?" -- "Do you speak Chinese?"

Actually, he had to repeat it twice for me, his accent was so strong. I kind of stared at him blankly, trying to decide what to say. In my flat-American-accented, notably nasal English, I responded, "A bit."

I didn't respond in English to make a point; it was just what came naturally to me. He further inquired as to why I was using primarily English; I responded that I was brought up in the United States, and that we were the only Chinese family in town. (Which was true; there were few other Eastern Asian families in Summit, and although another family friend of ours had a father from Hong Kong, they viewed themselves as mostly Korean--at least, as far as I know.) After a few more questions about my knowledge of the Chinese language (in short, my limited Mandarin and practical illiteracy--I could only make out that the bag he wielded was branded with a conference which took place in August 2003), he eyed me a little, with one of those unseen-but-felt glares of resentment, then told me that I'd make an excellent example of the deculturalization of America, and that he was going to be holding a talk about this at some seminar of his, and that I should come. I accepted the yellow scrap of A4 paper he gave me and pocketed it for further reference, and said good-bye as I got off the bus at Cornavin.

The more I think about it, the more I think about the hypocrisy of a white man dressed in Buddhist garb and attempting to speak butchered Mandarin reprimanding a Chinese-American for not respecting his roots. Obviously I could be wrong--perhaps he was raised in China (with that accent? Doubtful), or maybe a Chinese household. But my money is still on this guy discovering Buddhism while reading texts in college, finding it fascinating, and deciding to become a devout follower of Siddhartha Gautama's teachings. I'm not saying that's a bad thing--people do what they will when religion is involved, and it's all fine and well as long as it doesn't involve hurting others--but still. What're the odds that he went to Sunday School as a wee lad, celebrated Christmas with his buddies and hunted for Easter eggs in the early Spring? Pretty damn high. Working on that assumption (because it's just that--an assumption), what right does such a person have to foster judgment on "loss of cultural heritage" when he has dumped his own?

I'm proud of my Chinese heritage. I'm apparently in the narrow line of descendants of Chu Hsi, a major character in the founding of the Neo-Confucianist philosophy--or so my father would have me believe. (Besides which, I would think that "Narrow line" still involves thousands of people in our current generation. And reading that Wiki entry, I could identify with his philosophy.) I'm the only one of my three brothers who can speak Mandarin with any sort of fluency, although Jamie was always better at understanding it than I was. I do believe that I lack the kind of cultural heritage I believe I should have--but that judgment is mine, and mine alone, to make.

***

It gets demonstrated again, two days later, as I walk along the lakeside from work to a bus stop. I stumble upon a confused-looking Chinese couple, pondering a map and looking around.

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that my ability to speak Mandarin is directly related to my familiarity with the other people in the conversation, as well as the language I perceive them in. This is why, for example, I can hold decent conversations with my mother and grandmother, am Extremely Hesitant to speak with my father, can hold my own for a couple of minutes with one of the barmaids at Cactus, and will completely lose it after asking a lost couple, "Wo kebukeyi bang ni mang ma?" ("Can I help you?")

They tell me that they're looking for Cornavin station, referring to it with the German acronym SBB amongst a flurry of Mandarin. Their side comes easily to me. I open my mouth to tell them that they need to turn back and turn left at the Arab bank, and then realize that I've never given directions in Mandarin before. Panicking, I start spitting and swallowing words, using broken Mandarin and frustrated hand gestures, and muttering to myself about not being able to speak "guoyu," which literally translates to "the National Language" and is not an official way of referring to Mandarin. (Is it Taiwanese? I dunno, and it seems kinda ironic if it is.)

Eventually, they do get the idea; they end up thanking me and going their way. I probably-not-so-subtly wait at a crosswalk and cross over to the lakeside proper, basically trying to get as far away from my butchery of the National Language as I possibly could.

The more I think about it, the more it gnaws at me.

I am an Asian-American. I hesitate to say "American first," not because of my disrespect for my American upbringing, but because of my respect for my Chinese heritage. But it must be said; when asked with which of the two I identify more, I will unhesitatingly say "American." But, again, do not make the mistake of panning my being proudly American as an attempt to discard the scraps of Chinese upbringing with which I have been brought up.

It wouldn't matter, anyway; I think my guilt is a harsher judge than anything you could throw at me.

Date: 2005-10-04 11:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cureless.livejournal.com
This is a difficult situation. As Asian-Americans we'll always be the friendly outsider, part of both worlds yet belonging to none. To Americans we'll be foreigners, even if we've been here longer than they have; to Asians, we'll be raised improperly and disrespectful of our roots and culture, and will have sold out.

The thing that is important is you know who you are, how you stand as an American and as an Asian-American male, first and foremost. That no matter how much white Americans try to pit us against other minorities, telling us that we're practically white, that we'll never be white. We should never want to be white, only Asian-American, whatever identity that is, and we should not be the one-trick pony of whites to trot out whenever that bullshit model minority stereotype is brought out.

Uh... I got sidetracked.

The thing that irks me the most about this story is that he automatically assumed that you weren't American after you spoke to him the way you did. Ignorance and stereotyping at their best, no? And then he had the gall to think that you had abandoned your roots. What is it with white people who think they know everything it means to be different? Perhaps next time you see him you should tell him to pok gai, and that no matter how he tries he can't run away from his whiteness.

Date: 2005-10-04 11:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chiieddy.livejournal.com
I don't think the fact you can't speak Mandarin or Cantonese is any more shameful than my mother not being able to speak Hungarian or my grandmother Polish. When you're born and schooled in a country, you tend to speak that country's language. Language isn't always about culture. You can still understand and particpate in Chinese culture without knowing how to speak the language fluently. That you can speak any Chinese language at all is pretty cool and amazing, plus you're living abroad and seem to do decently in other languages. That's better than I can do. I so sucked at learning foreign languages.

Date: 2005-10-05 12:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] baagaa.livejournal.com
I would say more, but I think the previous two comments made kind cover most of what I was going to say.

I hope you're not too insulted by what that wannabe Buddhist monk said to you. (No good Buddhist would ever do something so discourteous, anyway, so he's a damn dirty fake.) I never thought of you as lacking in culture or disassociated from your Asian roots, as I've never met you in person, yet have the strong impression that you are Asian American. Besides, the United States isn't so much deculturalized, in my view; it's just developed its own culture that happens to be a mishmash of many cultures, and there is nothing wrong or shameful about that.

Besides, many (if not most) people are so mixed in their heritage that there's no way they can have a complete grasp on all their cultural roots. Are those people supposed to feel inferior in their supposed lack of culture? It just seems a little ridiculous to me. :P

Date: 2005-10-05 12:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] carn-carby.livejournal.com
I wish I knew how to speak Chinese...I think your helping the couple in Chinese was awesome. -_-;;

As for Asians who sneer at Asian-Americans for not being Asian enough, I dunno. =\ I always feel like I'm a fake Asian, and I feel like Asians look at me funnily. I've never had a white person do that, though. That's crazy.

Hoooo...

Date: 2005-10-05 01:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lirazel.livejournal.com
See, I've never felt guilty about not speaking Hebrew or Yiddish. Ignorant, yes, and it's not a good feeling. Guilty, no.

For the latter, all my great-grand-parents and grandparents were very clear that they left The Old Country gladly, joyously, with dancing feet and hearts, and that Yiddish was something they wanted to discard with the bad old days. Now, of course, many of my contemporaries are trying to recapture it. But for them it was a shameful thing to speak that old, not-American language. So, they didn't teach it to my grandparents, or my parents, and all I know is a collection of nouns and verbs and a certain way of turning phrases. Very, very different from the Chinese approach, but very reflective of what it must have been to be poor and Jewish in Eastern Europe in the 1890s.

Hebrew (modern Hebrew) is another matter. Sending your kids to to Hebrew school in 1963 was yet another litmus test for being a Good Jew, and my parents had zero interest in being Good Jews. The reasons are long and complicated, but suffice it to say that while they would gladly work second and third jobs so we could have all kinds of lessons, Hebrew lessons were not among them.

And of course, I completed the process my grandparents began... while I know a lot more about being Jewish and have a lot more respect for my Jewish roots than any of my brothers and sisters, that interest and respect began when I became a Christian.

Don't feel guilty. It's a strange world, and getting stranger.

(And that guy in the robes? a first-class jerk. I always distrust cosplayers who aren't at a convention. :)

Re: Hoooo...

Date: 2005-10-05 03:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chiieddy.livejournal.com
My parents even named me a Hebrew word and I only know that word (oak tree) and the word for fish (דג - Dog). I'm weird that way. My mother seemed to think it made up for her marrying a Quaker by sending me to Orthodox Hebrew School. I got to sit there and listen to a woman in a wig seriously tell the class how dinosaurs were put there by God to test us.

But yeah, it's like saying I'm not Jewish because I'm not practicing very hard and I have tattoos. :) I'm just not a good Jew.

Date: 2005-10-05 02:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] maruchan.livejournal.com
I just wanted to say (since I almost never comment) that your post really resonated with me, especially the last part.

Date: 2005-10-05 03:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shachi.livejournal.com
When I was 3, I spoke fluent Vietnamese to the point of seriously impressing my entire family, and this isn't just "aww, in't she cute" sort of thing.

By the time I was 13, I'd almost forgotten it all, except for the most rudimentary phrases, and since I'd never learned to read it at that age, was completely illiterate in it. When I realized this, I started trying to take steps to remedy it. This was also, incidentally, around the time that I started getting into animé and hanging around Impro (though really the two happened at around the same time), and in fact one of the things that really hit me about that was the fact that I was considering learning Japanese because a bunch of people I liked were into things that were originally Japanese--while not even being able to hold a full, in-depth conversation with my parents without it being mostly in English. So Japanese was put on the back burner.

Granted, I took the lazy kid's way of taking it back--listening to music, re-watching my favorite dubbed-into-Vietnamese TVB series, etc. We've never really lived in an area with a lot of other Vietnamese people around, so it's not as if I ever had any conversational practice with people my age, and even at family events most of the kids in my generation were equally, if not more, Americanized. I puzzled together the basic logic of writing by actually paying attention to the rote formulae we used to write in our birthday cards to family, and asking mom for ways to say more things.

I'm not saying this to say that I'm better than you or anything like that. It was really difficult and I still wouldn't say I'm anywhere more than almost-fluent, and there's still a helluva lot that I don't know. But if you want to take it back, it's not impossible. And it is always, always, worth it. This is going to sound preachy here, but I really do feel a lot better saying that my heritage is Vietnamese, knowing that there is something there for me, than I ever did at 13.

As you said, it's your call, basically. But don't feel guilty about it.
If you don't want to, there is no problem and no reason for guilt. It's not what you want, and that's that--nothing's changed.
If you do want to, the only reason to feel guilt is if you doubt yourself, or don't think you have enough time, or whatever. If you don't have enough time, there's nothing to feel guilty about there. If you doubt yourself, well, you shouldn't. As you said, you can speak and understand a good amount already, and if you wanted to build on that, I don't think you'd have too much of a problem with it.

There's more to culture and heritage than language, of course, but without the language, I think it becomes much harder to relate to them as your own. Which is one of the reasons why that guy that spoke to you pisses me off, but you've basically said everything I had to say there.

I really do admire you, Chu. I hope I didn't just insult you. \:

Date: 2005-10-05 06:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] loopychew.livejournal.com
I took the lazy kid's way of taking it back--listening to music, re-watching my favorite dubbed-into-Vietnamese TVB series, etc.

Actually, I don't think that's really a lazy way of doing it at all--that's one of the first things anyone who wants to learn a language will do, if they can. All I've got thus far are DVDs of HK movies, but I guess it's a good starting point.

I really do admire you, Chu. I hope I didn't just insult you. \:

Y'all couldn't. So no worries about that. :-)

Date: 2005-10-05 04:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kagami.livejournal.com
I'm stumped by the hypocrasy of that guy >.> I've been trying to think of something to say, but there's no words. Can't believe how rude he was.

It's like if I claimed to know all about Buddhism because I watch a lot of Kung Fu movies. Uhhh.... Brain stop work now.

wow, i could write a paper on this, but...

Date: 2005-10-05 08:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rerieru.livejournal.com
(I) one of the things my time in japan left me with was a very deep appreciation for nations that are truly multicultural. i think of you as simply "American" for the same reason that i do not consider myself "Irish-Canadian". to me, the generic word implies being part of and embracing the multiculturalism, while (for example) "Chinese-American" carries connotations of the first-gen immigrant who only speaks Chinese, only hangs out with Chinese people, that sort of thing. we're all something-American (or something-Canadian) if you bother to look enough, except for Native Americans and even they're probably asian in the long run. so to cut this short, i see no reason for you to feel guilty here. everyone's heritage should be important to them. you are absolutely 100% justified in being proud of yours, and you don't need some crazy dingbat in a robe telling you what he thinks about deculturalization.

(II) as someone who tackled it directly, i can only say that i have a great deal of respect for you being able to handle a bit of mandarin. it's a beautiful language, which isn't a word i use to describe any of the many others i've been exposed to, but it's also damned challenging to master :/

also, i'm pretty certain i read that 國語 is a taiwanese term somewhere.

so, in conclusion, you rock; keep on rocking in the free world.

Re: wow, i could write a paper on this, but...

Date: 2005-10-05 02:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] delfina.livejournal.com
I ranted on something similar to this, too, although I broaden the "Chinese-American" definition to include people who actively practice their heritage, rather than just the first-gen immigrants.

And I agree on embracing the multiculturalism - many people are just way too narrow in their perceptions.

Date: 2005-10-05 02:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] delfina.livejournal.com
As I'm sure you already know, one of my pet peeves is people who have no knowledge of their heritage insisting upon using it to describe themselves. Like, for example (and this is the big one), people defining themselves as African American when they've never been to Africa, have zero knowledge of any of the cultures, languages or religions - much less practicing them - and yet continue to segregate themselves from the rest of American society with that definition instead of integrating so that we all become one homogenous culture.

I would never consider myself Asian-American because the only knowledge of that culture I have is from books, movies and classes. I was not raised in the traditions nor are they second nature to me. I cannot speak any of the languages, other than a passing familiarity with Japanese which in no way, shape or form approaches any sort of fluency. Since my trip to China I've been more aware of that language and culture as well. The culture that my mother was raised in - and still lives in - is Korean, at any rate, so the knowledge I have of all other Asian cultures is really irrelevant in producing that definition of myself as an "Asian-American".

In fact, I'm more in touch with the distant tendrils of ancestry that tie me to Irish and British roots. My Polish side is also pretty dominant in some ways, so if anything I'd define myself as Irish-American or Polish-American or British-American. Never Asian-American, even though that's what genetics has linked me to the most.

You, however, have an active awareness of the Chinese culture and even have an understanding and fluency in the language. That's different. You actually are Asian-American, with an integration of your Asian heritage incorporated in with your American heritage. You should be proud to have that understanding and balance and ignore those people who have no idea what it is to actually have dual heritages, but simply claim to. Much less people who claim to adhere to a particular faith or religion but don't actually practice it. (That kind of ties into my pet peeves on religion, but I won't get into that. Not right now, at least.)

Date: 2005-10-05 07:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ardweden.livejournal.com
I don't know any Cantonese outside of counting to ten. This has always bothered me, since there are people in my family - people who *live* in the States - who I literally cannot talk to. I wish I could hold a conversation with my grandmother without a translator, for example... I love her, and I love spending time with her, but we can never talk.

I've tried to learn Cantonese, and I've tried to learn Mandarin, and both have fallen short. I'm just horrible with languages. Does this make me less Chinese-American? Possibly. A lot of people are stunned when I say that I'm half Chinese. (It must be the pasty white skin and freckles. ;P) And I feel guilty about all of it at times, like I somehow, inexplicably, let an entire people down.

So, I understand where you're coming from. I've done my best to come to terms with it, though. I've gone to China and Hong Kong, and I want to go again. It feels very vaguely like home while still being totally foreign. I listen to Cantonese music. I watch Cantonese movies with my mother, and I crack her up with my assumptions as to what *must* be going on when I honestly have no clue what anyone's saying.

It's just that there's only so much I can do without learning the language, and at this point, the possibility of learning it (particularly with my difficulty with foreign languages) is pretty slim.

If someone asks me where I'm from and what I am, I end up saying, "American." The United States has always been described as a melting pot... in reality, it's also part tossed salad: bits of culture remaining distinct from each other. But some of us do end up melting. And it's not any more right or wrong than the other way. I wouldn't be me, and you probably wouldn't be you, otherwise.

In short, I guess, I sympathize. And the guy who accused you of abandoning your culture? He probably didn't mean to be, but what an ass.

Date: 2005-10-06 05:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shizukun.livejournal.com
Pff. Tell the dude to go stuff himself. I do have my own regrets at not knowing much Mandarin and Taiwanese anymore. But the reason for my loss of ability in those languages is because I can speak decent German without spraying saliva all over the place and I will be several hundred times more fluent in English than my cousins who live in Taiwan and think English is cool but can never do more than ape it with a thick accent. In fact, even my mother, when getting snarky comments from her siblings about my sister and my lack of proficiency in Mandarin and Taiwanese, snarked right back how their kids and grandkids were doing in their English classes. She told me about this, sounding rather annoyed, while we were visiting the old home island several years ago.

On top of that, I am pretty passable in Japanese, which lets me communicate with a number of my older relatives and is relevant to my chosen career field. I simply have little opportunity to use Mandarin and Taiwanese anymore--had I not moved to Germany as a little kid, I might have kept up with them, but instead, I just had to learn German and English instead. If any white wannabe Buddhist old man whose Chinese is only marginally better than mine tried to tell me off, I'd just go cuss him out in German and/or Osaka dialect Japanese. I think you'd be quite within your rights to tell him off right back.

Side note: 'guoyi' is a pretty common way of referring to Mandarin, especially by those from the mainland. Native Taiwanese like my family are naturally much less likely to use that term.

Date: 2005-10-06 05:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dryskin.livejournal.com
Heh, heh.. This is completely off-topic, but.. YOU WENT TO LA CHAT. Awesome.

Date: 2005-10-08 11:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sleepsong.livejournal.com
::comes across you on the LJ schools thingie for SHS::

You're the Lawrence that used to hang out with Steve and Adam and people! You were at Steve's birthday party when we played man hunt at Memorial Field.

I remember you!

::thus ends your moment of randomness for the day::

Date: 2005-10-09 02:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] loopychew.livejournal.com
And the Lawrence that accidentally set off the smoke alarm during Hello Dolly, yes. I knew my Preppyville past would come to haunt me. :P
From: [identity profile] sleepsong.livejournal.com
*snerk* I remember that...

Am I truly haunting you? I can bugger off if you'd like, but I refuse to allow you to call me preppy when nothing can be further from the truth.
From: [identity profile] loopychew.livejournal.com
Not really. You, Adam, and Steve were decidedly anti-prep. As were most of my friends.

Date: 2005-10-16 10:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sleepsong.livejournal.com
::much relieved::

Steve says Hi! by the way...

Oh, and you're in Geneva? I was there last summer ('04). It was really... dreary...

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